how to get over someone you love

would erasing our memories protect us from pain?

I spoke with Cosmo about breakups and erasing memories - here's the longer convo you didn't get to hear :) 

How important are memories of past relationships?
Even though memories can be difficult and challenging for us when they are not seemingly positive in nature, we need to remember that we have a memory for a reason and that it is protective for us and promotes survival. Negative memories feel hard of course, and to 'erase' them might in the moment seem easier because we wouldn't have to deal with or cope with the emotions that accompany them. However, they are also protective for us, as they help us learn from the challenges of the past and learning is protective in nature so that we do not keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. From an evolutionary perspective, negative memories are actually even more important and protective for us than are positive memories. So to erase those would likely be more dangerous and prime us for more negative things to happen in the future. This doesn't mean we have to just allow ourselves to continuously live in the negative and scary memories of the past, as we need to learn how to cope with them and contain them in a way that allows us to reflect on the negative of the past as a way to build us up for the future.

How do past relationships help us build our expectations and goals for future ones?
It is important to remember that we cannot change what happens to us in the world as we are not in control of others and the unknown; however, we are in control of ourselves and the way we react and respond to the things around us. This is called cognitive appraisal, and essentially how we respond to the things around us is largely based on whether we look at the things around us as threats or challenges. If we appraise a situation as us being capable and realizing we can shift our thinking and be more realistic in the way we are speaking to ourselves. It is also important that we incorporate mindfulness into our day and recognize that we are capable of moving forward and learning from our past experiences in our to create a better outcome for ourselves in the future. That allows us to stop repeating cycles that are harmful and start building positive momentum in our lives.