Love is Blind Reality Television Breakdown
I recently spoke to Yahoo News regarding the reality TV craze of Love Is Blind. Here's the extended interview you didn't get to see.
Is love really blind? What were your thoughts on this season?
This season showed many issues and dynamics that can occur in relationships that we all experience and reality television can be used to either mindlessly "tune out" from one's life or to actually "tune in" and become aware of how we relate in our own lives. There are always I few things I strongly push in understanding these shows. In reality television shows, often the casting is geared toward trying to pull for those dynamics as the audience generally is more engaged with high intensity interactions. In addition, even if the taping of the shows are done in a fair way, the editing team may be completely separate and showing us only the parts of the recordings that support the storyline they are interested in portraying. It is always important to keep that in mind when watching these shows and to remember that any one of us could appear to be a 'certain type of person' if our lives were filled and boiled down into an hour show. I saw this because I saw many people online making snap judgements about these people's overall character, saying Lydia was a 'stalker' and JP is an 'abuser,' etc. We have to remember these are people not characters and in their lives, there is likely far more to them than the pieces of film we saw. I always try to remember that when watching these shows. Here's a few specifics I took away:
Healthy vs unhealthy communication - This season really highlighted some excellent examples of healthy communication using the factors of the empowerment triangle where each person has equality and the ability to express themselves fully and be heard by the other person. I saw this immediately in the relationship between Milton and Lydia, which was a stark contrast to the relationship dynamics of Uche and Lydia. In that relationship dynamic, there appeared to be a fight for power and control and it was highly intense (from the scenes that were aired at least). Anytime a relationship dynamic is based on intensity and power struggles, we have the ingredients for drama. Remember, casting and editing teams are wanting this for good television so we are not always seeing the entirety of a situation, we are seeing the edited version of what really happened. Having said this, we can take a look at the specifics of the filming we did see and really learn a lot about relationships. We can see that when dynamics are healthy in a relationship, it can bring out a totally different side to that same person. Look at how different Lydia appears in her relationship with Milton versus Uche. All of us could benefit from self-reflection in our own lives and looking at who are the people that fire us up and we seem to lose control of ourselves with, and who are the others who balance us in a healthy way and create a sense of vulnerability and safety.
Boundary setting - Milton is an excellent example of how a person can attempt to pull us into a power struggle in communication and we can choose to step right out of this by not engaging in the 'bait.' Throughout the season, he shows a strong level of maturity to see that 'one's perception is their realty' and therefore there is no one way to see things. He diffuses situations by acknowledging, "I hear you even though I might not agree with you." I think his reaction style is often not one seen on reality television, and he can teach many of us how to not engage in the drama triangle of dynamics we are able to fall into on a day to day. It seems that he is capable of taking this approach because he seems fairly confident in who he is. When a person has more internal stability of knowing who they are, they are less likely to be shaken by other dynamics that may make them question themselves and become defensive. What's also very cool, is that people loved seeing this on reality television, so hopefully casting crews will remember this!
Opening up about sexual assault - We also got to see a very interesting storyline with Chris who spoke about his first sexual experience being one of assault. I wish there had been more media attention to this story, particularly during October's domestic violence awareness month. It showed how his partner in the pods, Johnny, just listened and was there - she didn't need to say anything, but just being there provided a safety that allowed him to open up for the first time ever about the trauma he experienced. It also showed that men can experience assault too - this is incredibly important to break the stereotypes of what sexual assault is.
The impact of the real world on relationships - We also got to see how the stressors of the real world impact any relationship. In the pods, there are no distractions - just talking and trusting your own gut. When the couples go on the honeymoon, there's fantasy like the fairytale many romantics desire. When they move back into the real world and start living with each other, we can see how people may truly bond and have the start of love, but struggles of finances, different ways of living, and family doubts can place a strain on real world relationships. Sometimes those things are outweigh the passion and feelings of internal love a couple may have for one another.
Yes, people have gotten engaged and married through the show but do you think the experiment really works on a mass scale?
It's important to remember it is an experiment. They note this multiple times throughout the show and the cast members also state this. Can it work? Sure it can - but on a mass scale? My answer as a psychologist to that is likely no. We have to remember that the people who even apply to be on the show are likely 'romantics' in their personality style - they believe from the start this could work and that's powerful! I am not that way and would not ever consider applying to a show like this. So the pool of candidates here is biased since they have a "placebo effect" of believing it could work to begin with. Having said this, there are some wonderful aspects to the show. In the real world, we start often with the physical chemistry that pulls us together (passionate fatuous love), and then we move to developing a deeper bond on our values (romantic love) and eventually we commit to a long-term bond with this person (companionate love). On this show, the script is flipped to first focusing on teh deep bond and romance, then adding in and determining fi there is passion to back the values bond, and then finally whether the commitment is going to be made. It is a TON of pressure on these young people to make over a very short period of time. Most couples average over 2 years before they consider marriage and these folks are making lifelong decisions in 4 weeks. It's admirable they would even consider that possible and for many couples, they are still together! And, given that so many people watch the show, I think it speaks to the 'romantic' that lies in each of us that the fairytale is possible and we could be loved for who we are. In a true healthy relationship, that is what holds people together and true love is blind, but it is also okay for love to have physical chemistry and a passion on the outside too!
