I spoke with Cosmo about breakups and erasing memories - here's the longer convo you didn't get to hear :) 

How important are memories of past relationships?
Even though memories can be difficult and challenging for us when they are not seemingly positive in nature, we need to remember that we have a memory for a reason and that it is protective for us and promotes survival. Negative memories feel hard of course, and to 'erase' them might in the moment seem easier because we wouldn't have to deal with or cope with the emotions that accompany them. However, they are also protective for us, as they help us learn from the challenges of the past and learning is protective in nature so that we do not keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. From an evolutionary perspective, negative memories are actually even more important and protective for us than are positive memories. So to erase those would likely be more dangerous and prime us for more negative things to happen in the future. This doesn't mean we have to just allow ourselves to continuously live in the negative and scary memories of the past, as we need to learn how to cope with them and contain them in a way that allows us to reflect on the negative of the past as a way to build us up for the future.

How do past relationships help us build our expectations and goals for future ones?
It is important to remember that we cannot change what happens to us in the world as we are not in control of others and the unknown; however, we are in control of ourselves and the way we react and respond to the things around us. This is called cognitive appraisal, and essentially how we respond to the things around us is largely based on whether we look at the things around us as threats or challenges. If we appraise a situation as us being capable and realizing we can shift our thinking and be more realistic in the way we are speaking to ourselves. It is also important that we incorporate mindfulness into our day and recognize that we are capable of moving forward and learning from our past experiences in our to create a better outcome for ourselves in the future. That allows us to stop repeating cycles that are harmful and start building positive momentum in our lives.

The holiday season can be particularly challenging for individuals managing an eating disorder (ED) due to the emphasis on food, family gatherings, and social pressures. If you're dealing with an eating disorder, maintaining your well-being during this time requires extra care, self-compassion, and mindful strategies. Here are some helpful tips to navigate the holidays while managing an eating disorder:
1. Set Boundaries Around Food and Social Situations

• Communicate your needs: If you're comfortable, talk to close family or friends about your struggles so they can support you. You don’t have to go into detail, but simply sharing that you need help can make a big difference.
• Plan your meals: If you’re attending a holiday gathering, try to plan your meals in advance to reduce anxiety. Consider bringing a dish that you feel comfortable with or ask the host about the menu beforehand.  For many - this is the time of year they go back to a specific meal plan even when in recovery for a long time. That's okay! It's still recovery!
• Avoid social comparisons: Social media, family, and friends can often create unrealistic food expectations. Focus on your own journey and try not to compare yourself to others at the dinner table.

2. Practice Mindful Eating

• Slow down: Focus on eating slowly and mindfully. Pay attention to how the food tastes, smells, and feels in your body. This helps you be more in tune with your hunger and fullness cues.
• Listen to your body: Trust your body’s signals of hunger and fullness. It may be helpful to remind yourself that it’s okay to eat when you're hungry, even during the holidays, and that food is not something to fear or feel guilt about.

3. Don’t Overcommit to Events

• Limit social pressure: It’s okay to decline invitations or take breaks from gatherings if they feel overwhelming. Prioritize your mental health over social obligations.
• Give yourself permission to leave early: If you're feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed, it’s perfectly okay to excuse yourself from a situation. Set a time limit for yourself in advance if you anticipate being stressed.

4. Focus on Non-Food Traditions

• Create new traditions: Shift the focus from food to other activities that bring you joy—like holiday walks, board games, or watching festive movies with loved ones. Doing something that nurtures your mental and emotional well-being is key.
• Engage in self-care: Set aside time for self-care activities during the holidays, such as journaling, yoga, reading, or engaging in creative hobbies that help you relax.

5. Have a Support System in Place

• Talk to a therapist or counselor: If you’re seeing a therapist, try to schedule sessions during the holidays to help manage any emotional stress that may arise.
• Call someone for support: If you feel overwhelmed, it can be helpful to have a trusted person to talk to, whether it’s a friend, family member, or someone in your support network.
• Create a “grounding” routine: Have a mental or physical routine in place for when things feel intense—this could be breathing exercises, a grounding meditation, or a quick walk outside.

6. Be Kind to Yourself

• Forgive yourself for slip-ups: The holidays can bring up complex emotions, and it’s okay to not be perfect. If you have moments where you feel you’ve "overdone it," practice self-compassion. Guilt and shame can only fuel negative behaviors.
• Avoid all-or-nothing thinking: Try to let go of the belief that if you "mess up" once, it means the entire holiday is ruined. Eating "perfectly" is not the goal; balance and self-care are.

7. Focus on Enjoying the Moment

• Shift focus away from food: While food is often central to celebrations, try to shift the focus to other aspects of the holiday season, like the joy of being with loved ones or the beauty of the season.
• Focus on connection: Make efforts to connect emotionally with others—share stories, laughter, and experiences instead of focusing on the food or how much you’re eating.

8. Have a “Plan B” for Stressful Moments

• Anticipate challenges: Identify potential triggers or stressors in advance and come up with a "Plan B" for managing them. For example, if you feel anxiety around a certain event, you might prepare by planning a self-care activity afterward.
• Coping strategies: Have specific tools in your toolkit for dealing with stress, such as deep breathing, distraction techniques, or writing in a journal.

9. Limit Alcohol Consumption

• Be mindful of alcohol: Alcohol can lower inhibitions and increase the likelihood of disordered eating behaviors or emotional overwhelm. Keep in mind that moderation is key, and it’s okay to opt out of drinking if it feels triggering for you.

10. Honor Your Feelings

• Acknowledge emotions: The holidays can bring up a range of emotions, including sadness, grief, or anxiety. If you’re feeling upset, allow yourself to feel and process those emotions instead of suppressing them with food or behaviors tied to your eating disorder.
• Journal your feelings: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a great way to process any emotional difficulties that arise during the holiday season.

11. Avoid Food Talk

• Limit discussions about body or food: In some settings, conversations about weight loss, dieting, or appearance can trigger anxiety. If these topics arise, it’s okay to change the subject or excuse yourself from the conversation.

Final Thoughts: The holidays don’t have to be a source of stress or shame around food, even if you’re managing an eating disorder. The key is to prioritize your mental and emotional health while allowing yourself the space to enjoy the season in ways that feel safe and nourishing. By setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and staying connected to your support system, you can navigate the holidays with greater ease and self-respect.  If you need further support, please contact our team and the National Alliance for Eating Disorders is an excellent resource for free support groups!

I was recently asked to contribute to Women's Health on indoor dating ideas - a particularly important topic since the pandemic times developed. Here were some of my deep thoughts on the topic expanding on what is quoted in the article! I hope it helps some couples looking to rekindle their relationship in a different way!


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-Why are date nights important?
Very important topic to discuss. It is less about the specifics of what you do on date night but rather just actually making date nights a priority. Why? Well, this communities to your partner that you care and you are prioritizing your relationship. It is so easy to get caught in the rut of the same ol', same ol' and this can lead to a fizzling of the passion you once had. I also understand how difficult it can be to prioritize your relationship when everything else feels like a priority too - the kids, work, and even sleep! It's very easy to push the relationship to the side and that is how we unfortunately can grow apart over time.
-How can you make indoor date nights romantic? 
Anything can be a great indoor date! A bottle of wine and a beautiful dinner at the dinner table (not while sitting on the couch!). I have heard of others actually doing indoor picnics or just something simple like a movie date. I think the key is that is does not need to be over-the-top. It is about setting aside that time for your partner and only your partner. So, set the kids up with a babysitter and put your computer aside and silence the phone. Take a couple of hours for just you and your partner. That is romantic. Maybe think about what used to come naturally to you at the beginning of your relationship and do that. What did you used to do to make the person feel special? Candles? Flowers? A lovely card? All of those things go a long way.
-What are some indoor date ideas that people in relationships can try?

• Game night - This is a fantastic option for the couple that needs to have some fun and connect with others. There's nothing like grabbing a silly game and sitting around the table with some fun snacks and just letting go. Often people start getting in touch with their 'inner child,' and the laughter can become contagious. I recently did this with my friends and forgot how fun an experience like that was. What is also great about this is that it allows anyone who might have some social anxiety to have an opportunity for a distraction instead of the focus solely being on conversation.
• make a scrapbook - This is a great idea! When you start taking out the old photo albums, digital or print, it is amazing what happens to the brain. You start going down memory lane and you might remember times of fun and experiences you had completely forgotten about. This can be magical for a couple who has forgotten that about how many experiences they've had together. Perhaps it can lead them to thinking about what they want to do next!
• breakfast in bed - This idea really stood out to me because I specifically remember how my dad would do this for my mom when we were young kids. It made her feel so special and I can still remember that to this day. There's something about getting up extra early when you don't have to in order to prepare a special meal for someone that really screams 'I love you.' I think it also shows that you want your partner to have self-care time that is all about them. It is a very thoughtful thing to do.

Final points on indoor dating
As noted above, if romance is needed, put the technology away and cook a nice dinner, set the candles and turn off the television. Ask one another questions you used to ask when you wanted to get to know someone. And most importantly - listen and be present. It does not take a lot of money to be romantic. You can do it on any budget - most of the time what creates romance is mindfully tuning into the other person and being present. In our culture, we often are present in body but not mind. Give it a go once a week or once a month and see what happens to your experience of your partner!