I was recently asked to contribute to Women's Health on indoor dating ideas - a particularly important topic since the pandemic times developed. Here were some of my deep thoughts on the topic expanding on what is quoted in the article! I hope it helps some couples looking to rekindle their relationship in a different way!


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-Why are date nights important?
Very important topic to discuss. It is less about the specifics of what you do on date night but rather just actually making date nights a priority. Why? Well, this communities to your partner that you care and you are prioritizing your relationship. It is so easy to get caught in the rut of the same ol', same ol' and this can lead to a fizzling of the passion you once had. I also understand how difficult it can be to prioritize your relationship when everything else feels like a priority too - the kids, work, and even sleep! It's very easy to push the relationship to the side and that is how we unfortunately can grow apart over time.
-How can you make indoor date nights romantic? 
Anything can be a great indoor date! A bottle of wine and a beautiful dinner at the dinner table (not while sitting on the couch!). I have heard of others actually doing indoor picnics or just something simple like a movie date. I think the key is that is does not need to be over-the-top. It is about setting aside that time for your partner and only your partner. So, set the kids up with a babysitter and put your computer aside and silence the phone. Take a couple of hours for just you and your partner. That is romantic. Maybe think about what used to come naturally to you at the beginning of your relationship and do that. What did you used to do to make the person feel special? Candles? Flowers? A lovely card? All of those things go a long way.
-What are some indoor date ideas that people in relationships can try?

• Game night - This is a fantastic option for the couple that needs to have some fun and connect with others. There's nothing like grabbing a silly game and sitting around the table with some fun snacks and just letting go. Often people start getting in touch with their 'inner child,' and the laughter can become contagious. I recently did this with my friends and forgot how fun an experience like that was. What is also great about this is that it allows anyone who might have some social anxiety to have an opportunity for a distraction instead of the focus solely being on conversation.
• make a scrapbook - This is a great idea! When you start taking out the old photo albums, digital or print, it is amazing what happens to the brain. You start going down memory lane and you might remember times of fun and experiences you had completely forgotten about. This can be magical for a couple who has forgotten that about how many experiences they've had together. Perhaps it can lead them to thinking about what they want to do next!
• breakfast in bed - This idea really stood out to me because I specifically remember how my dad would do this for my mom when we were young kids. It made her feel so special and I can still remember that to this day. There's something about getting up extra early when you don't have to in order to prepare a special meal for someone that really screams 'I love you.' I think it also shows that you want your partner to have self-care time that is all about them. It is a very thoughtful thing to do.

Final points on indoor dating
As noted above, if romance is needed, put the technology away and cook a nice dinner, set the candles and turn off the television. Ask one another questions you used to ask when you wanted to get to know someone. And most importantly - listen and be present. It does not take a lot of money to be romantic. You can do it on any budget - most of the time what creates romance is mindfully tuning into the other person and being present. In our culture, we often are present in body but not mind. Give it a go once a week or once a month and see what happens to your experience of your partner!

I was recently invited to speak to Fox News about sleepwalking from a psychological perspective.  Here were my extended thoughts on the issue. We should take any sleepwalking signs seriously and always speak to a provider if we suspect sleepwalking is present! 

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​What is sleepwalking?
I have worked with clients with all sorts of issues, including sleep problems for over a decade. I always partner with medical professionals when this is something a client reports because it could point to a variety of different things that might be happening. A person might have a sleep disorder in which their brain is essentially still 'asleep' while their body is 'up and awake.' This is a terribly frightening thing for many people to experience, as I have seen folks who have woken up with bags of open chips around them and not remembering engaging in night-eating. I have also had clients who have made large purchases or sent texts they do not remember and these things can have negative impacts on their lives. From a psychological point of view, it can create a sense of lacking control and lacking trust in themselves as anyone could imagine.

what causes sleepwalking?
Sleepwalking can be caused by a variety of things. Sometimes a person may be taking a sleeping medication that may be associated with such things as a potential side effect. In this case, if they experience sleep walking, driving, or other actions after trying a new medication they need to immediately inform their provider, as their provider may want to shift the medication or provide additional personalized recommendations. For other people, they may have sleepwalking as a primary issue that is not a side effect of a medication. Often, sleeping issues are 'brushed off' by clients and they are not very specific with medical providers on their symptoms. It is really important to have a sleep diary that you are using to write down everything you are doing around your sleep and symptoms you experienced each night so that when you speak to a provider, they are fully aware of what the entire clinical picture is; it is also important to pair your work with a therapist who can help you manage some of the psychological factors underlying your sleep disorder - as there could be PTSD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders or other diagnoses that could actually be the primary issue and the sleep disorder may be a 'side effect' of the untreated psychological issue. Having a full team in collaboration with one another is key to get the best overall treatment.

how someone can know if they're a sleepwalker, when to see a doctor, and any safety tips regarding sleepwalking?
ISometimes people find out they are sleepwalking because others around them close to them may be the ones seeing it. Listen to them and take it seriously if a partner tells you they saw odd sleep activity or a friend tells you that you called in the middle of the night and you don't remember it. As noted before, I have seen clients wake up with wrappers around them and having no memory of eating in the night or seeing that they charged their credit card without memory. This is serious stuff and it should always be taken seriously because sleepwalking can have dangerous psychological and physical impacts. I always tell my clients to immediately let their providers know what is happening and to ask their provider if a sleep study is appropriate. Sleep studies are excellent ways to have a team of sleep experts monitor a person's sleep and to see what is actually happening. Often it provides information that cannot be found elsewhere and most people do not know those services exist.

We all know the holidays are tough.  Yes they can be fun and filled with magic and the sense of new and fresh starts. However, they are also filled with high intensity emotions and stress.  What gifts are the best? Am I going to be able to afford all the expenses of this time of year?  etc...  Research has actually shown that the holidays are indeed times of higher stress for over 1/3 of us WITHOUT eating disorders. Now, add on an eating disorder and the challenges are compounded.  There's excessive amounts of food and lots of pressure to act and look perfect.  This can lead to very high intensity emotions for people with eating disorders. Self-care is absolutely KEY in creating a healthy balance during this time.  Here are my top tips for managing eating disorders in the holiday season! And click here to see Spectrum News 13 interview clip I did recently on EDs and the holidays!

1. ask for help - don't do it all yourself, whether it be cooking, cleaning, gift purchases, etc. No one is wonder woman and everyone needs help!
2. make sure you have a strong support system in place - make sure your support system knows about your eating disorder and how to support you during this time. Mind reading DOES NOT WORK!
3. Plan your day in the same way as any other - don't skip meals, or overexercise - this day is like any other day. If you have a meal plan, follow it!  Make sure you have a structured day so you know what to expect and how you will meet your needs.
4. Practice self-care - self-care is MORE important (not less) during this time of stress. Make yourself a priority and stick to it!  It only takes a minute to take some deep breaths.
5. Cut out the stress - if being around certain people, triggers or comments is not healthy for you and pushes relapse, then just say no or have a plan B escape plan. It's not worth your recovery!

Let's talk truth about what shadow journaling is and is not, as well as whether shadow journal prompts are actually helpful.  I was recently approached by Healthline to speak about this and I am expanding with a dissertation here! Happy reading friends! 

Why is shadow work trending?
I am actually not sure! My speculation is that this generation of TikTok-ers has done a fairly decent job to destigmatize the concept of reflection and therapeutic actioning. I think that's awesome. From there, I would suspect a person with a large following and a great marketing strategy probably started the trend, like all things that "go viral." When it comes to psychological principles though, you have to be careful about all things 'self-help' - some things are intended to be done with a professional who can really help you unpack things in a healthy way. 

How did it start/who popularized it initially?
The concept of the "shadow" has been around for a very long time. It was originally talked about by Carl Jung, who focused significantly on the unconscious mind and how the unconscious impacts us. He had some very interesting concepts, including the collective unconscious which helps to explain why we have 'shared fears,' for things like heights, spiders, etc. These are not new concepts and I sort of wonder what Dr. Jung would be thinking right now if he saw his work trending on TikTok???

What is shadow work and what is meant by the “shadow self”? 
I always commend young people for taking their own mental health into their hands and advocating for themselves. Gen Y and Z have forced people to listen and make changes - I mean that's pretty cool. However, playing in deep water when you don't know how to swim also has its dangers. Take it from me - I can't swim, so I have respect for the water and the fact that it is more powerful than I am capable of handling without the proper gear like my floaties, lifejacket and and lifeguard. What I am trying to say here is that this trend can impact you more than you think it will. The shadow is only one part of the self that Jung talked about - it's not the whole thing. We all have multiple parts to ourselves - we have various "masks" that we were that allow us to walk through the world and be productive people in work, with our friends, with our family, etc. You might be "the helper" in your friend group and your family, and you might be the "rescuer" in your relationships which could attract unhealthy partners and you could be "the perfectionist" in your work environment or school. These are all parts of the true you AND they are also masks we were to show the parts of ourselves we may feel comfortable with. The other side- the shadow- may be the parts of ourselves we don't necessary like or want to show the world. Some parts might be so unacceptable to us that they are buried deep and out of our awareness all together. Some parts of the deeply buried self may hold our ultimate pains, shame, fears, and trauma. We may use defense mechanisms to keep that pain hidden and cut off from us. Ever heard of denial? projection? rationalization? Well, those are defense mechanisms into to project our conscious self from our buried pains. And guess what? Those are there for a reason. If you start searching for stuff below the surface and you do not know what you are doing or why you are doing it, other than "everyone else is" then you may be in for an outcome you cannot handle. The desire to better yourself is fantastic but the "how" of doing that is the question here. Remember, the "shadow" is not visible to you - it's unconscious. That's the point of it. So, you can purchase a shadow journal with a couple of exercises and you may elicit some interesting thoughts but that's not unconscious work. That type of work takes time, commitment, trust and partnership. The shadow journal prompts are the tip of the iceberg - you then have to take this information and do something with it. That's where the partnerships and trust comes in. If it scares you to let others know your secrets then guess what? That is actually more important at times then your secrets themselves and that's your work to do. Understanding our masks, our shadows, what's below the surface of the iceberg is a lifelong process and it takes a professional who is equipped to help you explore your defense mechanisms that you cannot see. Another amazing way to start to really get under the surface of how you mask yourself is to do group work. In a group setting, you will start to be impacted by the personalities of others - who bothers you? who do you feel immediate connection with? who can you simply not stand even the sound of their breathing? That's the work and it cannot be done on one's own.

What are the benefits of shadow work? When supported by a professional the following is possible....

• Understand yourself better. What bothers you and more importantly why does it bother you. Insight on its own doesn't mean anything but it allows you opportunity to do something with it if you take a risk.
• Understand patterns in your life. Systems resist change - remember that - it's the most important thing I tell my clients. If left to your own self without self-work you will develop patterns of interacting and you iwll repeat those patterns again, and again, and again. We are creatures of momentum and homeostasis - once a pattern is formed it is resistant to change.
• Understand your triggers. Triggers are immediate shifts in emotions and can surprise us. They are usually something being pressed below the surface - the two main triggers are "I don't matter" and "I'm not good enough." That's why something seemingly unconnected like anger for having taking out the trash can trigger you because it may really be you feel unappreciated and like your partner doesn't care about your feelings.
• You want to be a person who cares about how they move through the world. Healing is not only about you - it's also about how you treat others. If you are truly willing to do the work, this means you are going to making a lot of amends and showing willingness to hear how your character flaws impact others. That allows for growth as a person, and again means we cannot do this work alone in a journal.
• You deserve healing and growth. Inside all of us, there is a younger version of ourselves that has questions of whether they are good enough or if they matter in this world. When we do the deeper work, whether it be through talk therapy, group therapy, EMDR, free journaling, psychodrama, etc - we have an opportunity to engage with that younger "inner child" who still has unmet needs. This is where real growth can take place and where you can create change in the patterns of your life that hold you back.

When should we hit the brakes and say 'no' to the trend?
When people are in the immediate throws of a serious psychological issue - whether it be eating disorder, addiction, trauma, etc., then the first thing is always stabilization. You don't open up more doors that can lead to emotional unraveling. You work on stabilizing the immediate concern and then you look at the underlying issues that are impacting the person on a deeper level.  Ultimately, at KML, you will always hear us consistently say the same thing in any space we have a voice, and that is to not participate in trends or psychological things because you see then online. Do your research from credible sources and follow up with the advice of a licensed professional.  Your mental health is one of the most important things you have in this life! You deserve it!